Many times I pray thinking of God and me sitting at a table drinking tea together. Below is a recent conversation we had together.
“Hello God – I’m wondering if I give up? It seems like so much to make this happen.”
“Yeah, it is a lot, but who is this series really for? Have you thought about this question?”
“I’ve thought about it. Honestly, this is what I think about everyday. I imagine getting letters from people telling me my books make a difference, but wonder if the books will ever make it to the right people?”
“Such little Faith.”
“Don’t want to admit it, but yes I struggle with Faith. Have thought about the glass ball – wishing there was a glass ball to predict the future. It’s tough being Doubting Thomas.”
“Don’t understand. Hasn’t everything come into place? Didn’t the idea of the books, getting an agent, and working with your niece on the illustrations all come about easily? Aren’t you reliving the story of the people escaping Israel? Haven’t I hit a rock and given you water or had manna fall from the sky for you?”
“Yes, God, but it’s always something blocking the way from money to time concerns. For instance, my husband is more accepting of the book idea, but he’s not 100% onboard.”
“You need to trust me.”
“I understand I need to trust you yet every corner it seems like I move one step ahead and then one step back. It seems like I am trekking uphill.”
“Nothing important comes easy. Again, you need to trust me. It will never work until you trust.”
“It’s really hard for me to trust. There are many fears of my dreams from childhood being killed, not knowing what success looks or feels like, not everyone around me believing in you, wondering if I can really help people, and not sure if all of my decisions are the right decisions. This is all new to me. I am very junior to this whole thing.”
“Do you think the disciples knew what it felt like to follow me?”
“No , but don’t know how to be a disciple”
“Don’t question it. This series is you. No one else can do this like you. This is one need I want to fill and it’s you I am choosing.”
“But God will this really be something?”
“What do you mean by this question? Are you wondering if this will be something for you or something for me?”
“Good question.”
“If you follow me then I can make this bigger than you ever imagined, but it has to be for the right reasons. This can not be solely about you.”
“I don’t want it to be solely about me, but would be lying if I didn’t hope, wish, or dream, of success. I know this is a human reaction, but have always dreamed of writing and helping others. This is part of my DNA. It’s also part of my DNA to dream big and want big.”
“Kristen, you’ve always been a dreamer. This is not bad, but you can’t solely be focused on what this can mean to you. There is so much more you can have if you’re open to it.”
“Not sure what you’re talking about. Not sure how to think or feel right now. Can you help me?”
“I think you still believe in this series. I believe in this series. It’s really this simple.”
“Wish it was this simple .”
“It’s simple. It’s as easy as breathing, trusting, and not getting frustrated so easily.”
“Can you help me actually see it and not solely dream it?”
“I can do anything if you ask. I can do anything if you follow me.”
“What will following you actually mean? Do I have to end my other work life to start this one? Do I have to be the disciples who were asked to drop their nets?”
“Just wait and I will let you know when it is time. You will know if you follow me.”
“So when it does end, will it end badly for my other job, relationship, family, etc.?”
“There will be sacrifices. There is always sacrifices, but I will take care of you. The sacrifices will not be bigger than you can handle. Again, you need to trust it will all work out.”
“So the theme is trust.”
“Yes, but not sure if you can do it.”
“I have trusted before.”
“Yes, you have and how did it work out for you?”
“Usually it worked very well, but it’s not always easy for me. The unknown and the outside negative forces is what can be difficult.”
“The unknown is difficult for most people and not having 100% support by the ones closest to you can be difficult. Yet, you cannot get stuck by it. Think about it – Don’t you like the times when you haven’t allowed yourself to worry and you have a feeling of calm?”
“Yes, God. Calmness and freedom sounds amazing.”
“Then let it happen.”
“But how? I don’t know how to get outside my own thinking.”
“Again, a struggle for a lot of people. Don’t concentrate so much on it. Don’t take the burden. Talk to me. You have a hard time talking to me.”
“So do I just stop everything I’m doing?”
“Don’t stop, but be open to my signs. Let me guide the horse.”
“How do I know if it is a sign from you?”
“Free your mind and you will know. Pray, talk to me, listen, and let it unravel. Soak it in. I will provide if you let me.”
“Again, wish this was easy. I know Mother Teresa also questioned and struggled sometimes. Someone with such faith. So struggling doesn’t seem foreign to me. Just wanted to let you know I am struggling right now. Can’t imagine giving up my dream, but also have not yet seen the light.”
“I know, but know you can do it. I have waited so you knew it wasn’t solely about money, changing a profession, or visiting people in a hospital. It is a lot more than this. You need to be ready.”
“God, please show me the way. Show me the way. I want to be ready, but you need to show me the way.”
