The other day I read a post on a Yahoo message board from a woman with a 4 year old daughter who asked when she should tell her daughter she is adopted. Astonished by the responses I could physically see red faces and steam coming out of the responder’s ears. They were yelling at this woman in capital letters saying…You should have already told her. In the same tone, an article on the Child-Welfare site said parents who feel good about adopting tell their children right away and those who don’t could be sending the wrong message.

Although I agree, adopted children deserve to know the truth and the younger you tell your child the easier it may be, it felt like many of the responders were quick to judgment instead of quick to help. As a parent of an adopted daughter, I know how tough the discussion can be. It’s not a matter of waiting because we are irresponsible or cowardly. It is not a matter of waiting because we are ashamed or have bad feelings about adoption. In my experience, adoptive parents tend to be very conscious of their decision to adopt and very conscious of trying to do the right thing. Reading the posts, a pit grew in my stomach. So many people willing to beat this woman up instead of building her up for a choice she makes every day; which is to mold a little person into a respectful, kind, intelligent, productive citizen. If you read the post not from a skeptic’s point of view but from this woman’s perspective, she was trying to be “selfless” rather than “selfish”.

Putting myself in her shoes, whether right or wrong – human nature creates a battle in an adoptive parent’s head. If we were honest, we’d admit we’ve all wondered if our child will still think of us as Mommy and Daddy, will he or she understand what we’re saying, and will they be able to handle the news. In a minute, our little world, our child’s innocence, and our child’s sense of who they are and who we are is now erupted. You can’t predict 100% how your child will feel and you know the dreaded statement of – You are Not My Mother or My Father will someday come exploding out of their little mouths. Then on top of this, what if the adoption story isn’t great – what if drugs, poverty, crime, etc. is part of the story? It’s hard enough being a Mommy or Daddy and now you have to share the title. With all of this said, the adoption story is not solely your story, but your child’s story. Your child deserves more than a lifetime of lies. Your child deserves the truth when he or she asks – I came out of your tummy, right Mom?

My gripe with the Yahoo responses is not the premise of the responses which is to talk adoption instead of silence it, but as adoptive parents we should support each other. From the moment we start the adoption process, there is instructions to be sensitive to the birth parents needs and lectures about child bonding, which is important, but just as important is knowing the adoptive parents story. Many adoptive parents have fought mother-nature for years and also deserve the same empathy, love, and understanding. This woman when reaching out deserved guidance, instead of guilt and the guillotine.

The question is – If I were going to talk to this woman, how would I change the story? What would my response be…

First, I’d ask her to pray to have the right words to say. Your adoption story is worth celebrating. God chose your child to be your child before she was born. God chose you to have a big heart to say yes to adoption. Someone else may have conceived her, but God knew who would raise her, guide her, and have an instrumental role in her life. It is not saying the birth parents did not show unconditional love in letting her go, but you are the one helping her fly. One woman responded in the Yahoo post that adopted children are not specifically chosen, but I disagree. You may have accepted any child God presented to you, but I believe God blessed you with your daughter because he knew you were perfect for her and she was perfect for you. He knew you were not only making a difference in her life, but she would make a difference in yours. Think about your daughter – does she resemble you or have similar qualities to you? With our daughter, we have been amazed at how much Ryley looks like us and has many of our mannerisms before we could teach her. There isn’t a day gone by I haven’t thought Ryley was made specifically for us. If you believe these words, it should not be hard to tell your child her story. It also won’t be hard for your daughter to understand the story because you will be saying the truth and talking from your heart. As many responders noted, use pictures, books, and memories to answer her questions and create this beautiful, vivid story of adoption. In the end, who doesn’t want to be part of a story of faith, love, and commitment?

Lastly, I’d say thanks to this woman for being brave to ask the tough questions and for being willing to go on this journey. It’s not luck you are in each other’s lives, so, be proud to tell the story! God Bless and my prayers are with you!