On September 1, 2011 we not only lost our daughter Hope, but we thought we were losing Hope in general. 2011 was a tough year for our small family as the country was in mayhem, we lost our daughter in utero, and my husband went through a layoff.  Every time I think of 2011 it makes me shudder because there were many tough discussions with God. Never before had I gone through such turmoil of emotions from anger, depression, etc. Shameful as it sounds, it was a boxing match with God and although I wasn’t winning the match – I didn’t know what else to do at the time. It was the first time in my life, my faith was taking a beating. However, talking through the situation in hindsight, it is when God taught me about a new hope. For everyone reading this post who is either going through trauma right now or who have been there, below is my first conversation with God on the journey back to Hope. It is the conversation we had with one another on the way to the hospital to say goodbye to my daughter. This post is dedicated to the daughter I’ll see again in Heaven and to anyone either seeking hope or feeling like they’ve already lost it….

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Oh my child, hear my sobs

Hear my scream

Louder than a rooster’s crow

Creeping through your window

You don’t think I hear you?

You sit silent thinking you are facing death today, but I am the God of life.

You are driving to the hospital fearing the pain…fearing having to say goodbye.

But just like my Son….she is the flesh of your flesh.

She will not leave or forsake you.

Tears may fall until there are no more tears left

No more oceans to flood

But she will not say goodbye

Yes, my child today a part of us dies together

For I see the thunderstorm in your eyes

I feel the cracks in your heart

But I promise you hope

I promise you life

And I promise you’ll see your daughter again blanketed in my embrace.

“For my word is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart” – Hebrews 4:12

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I think about this conversation often since not only did I hear these words in my head prior to the start of this tragic day, but God repeated his message upon my leaving through a conversation with our anesthesiologist. It was a true God AHA moment for me since not only did my heart hear what my heart asked to hear from God; which is I would see Hope again someday, but God wanted to remind me of his message – we weren’t saying goodbye. At times, like today when this is the anniversary of her death my heart still sobs, but I don’t stay in this place since she will always be my daughter. Yes, we don’t see each other like I had hoped, but know God has a bigger plan for both of us.

For me, losing our daughter led to my volunteer work with children, adopting Ryley, and to my ultimate purpose; which is to help parents and children keep their faith through real life situations. For in the end, when people have asked me why didn’t I give up my faith or why didn’t I lose Hope through this ordeal – my response is: “How can you ever believe in Hope again if you don’t believe in a higher power. If you don’t believe in something bigger than yourself, how can you see the light?”

Unfortunately miscarriage is a silent killer of faith for many people since no one wants to talk about miscarriages and it is difficult to see the light. It is so easy to blame and turn your back on God because you wonder – how could this happen to me? This is why this post is so critical because we all want to ask the tough questions, but are afraid, feel alone and empty, have lost hope, or not sure any answer is a good enough answer. In response, God asks to have the tough questions shouted at him because he knows you need to ask them. He also knows this is part of having a relationship with you. As for feeling alone, this is why we need to support one another so we can bond around our pain, but also provide our own stories of hope. In my experience, women and men usually handle pain differently when it comes to miscarriages. Although, it is a time to bond together with your partner, you may also need the support of others who have been there and understand you. To my earlier comment, everything happens for a reason and although the outcome of a miscarriage really sucks and it may take time to process and understand how it fits into your own story, I promise you through hearing it, experiencing it, and living it a million times – you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. In regards to no answer being good enough, this is where I leave this concern between you and God. It is a conversation you need to continue to have together. Presently, for me, the pain will never completely subside, still wish there was a different outcome, and would never desire this scenario for anyone, it is now clear to me through prayer how going through this ordeal has molded me, enlightened me, and impacted me both good and bad.  The cliché’ of time heals is partially true. Time has helped, but where time has been the most valuable is providing me perspective.

So in conclusion, I will leave you with one verse; which I believe puts hope into true perspective:

“For my sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand.” John 10:27-28