When Death Comes Knocking…

child_knockingThe other day my four year old daughter said, “Peanut died right mom?” Yes, honey. “Mom, is Grandma Jimmie Lou now with Peanut?” Yes. “Mom, did Grandma Jimmie Lou die on a cross?” They had just studied about Jesus dying on the cross in her Sunday school class, so, it wasn’t surprising she was putting two and two together.

Later on in the week Ryley said to my husband – Mugsy’s face is turning grey Dad; which means he is going to die soon. In this case, we told her he is getting older, but we believe we still have some time with Mugs. Luckily, she didn’t relate a grey beard with her Dad or Papa.

For weeks after her Grandma died Ryley was enthralled about death. She wanted to touch it, feel it, understand it. Like most young children she wanted death to make sense like her cereal in the morning or her pajamas at night time. She knew from experience of not seeing Peanut that death means I won’t see you soon, however, she still wanted death to be tangible.

She started saying Mom I am feeling sick- I think I am dying. No, Ryley you are not dying. You just scraped your knee. When we told Ryley about her sister who died in utero, again she was mystified about the process. Everyone she saw she said – my sister died in my Mom’s tummy. Luckily, majority of the people were family.

So why do young children care so much about death? Well, I equate it to children wanting to talk about anything bad or yucky. They see your reaction or hear your voice and they know death is not good.

With my daughter I talked about death in chunks so she could grasp the little bit I talked about. First, I said Peanut won’t be greeting you at the door any longer. Then I talked about heaven. Thirdly, I talked about seeing the person or animal again someday. Next, I talked about memories and good times we had. Lastly, I told her people are sad when their pets or someone they know dies. In between all of the conversations, I allowed Ryley to ask all of her questions – why Mommy did he have to die, Mommy where is heaven, Mommy is my sister now with Jesus, Mommy can they come back alive so we can play, were they really sick, are you or Daddy dying, how did they die, we are supposed to be sad, right? I also allowed her to talk about death whenever compelled.

In the end, more questions and 4 year old statements will occur about death, but also know Ryley is learning and processing what she hears. I know little chunk by little chunk of information she understands. I also know she will continue to parrot what she hears and sees. It may not be ideal for Ryley to pout and tell the waitress at breakfast Peanut is dead or for her to say to the grocery store clerk her sister Hope is an angel, but for Ryley she doesn’t yet have adult filters. We may gasp wondering what she will say next, but for Ryley it is her little mind working a million miles a minute. In other words, for Ryley every moment is the perfect timing to discuss death or anything else on her mind. Her innocence and attempts to internalize what she hears is about her growing up. Hearing statements come out of the blue when we’re walking the dog or when she is in the car going to school is part of the blessings of parenthood. It reminds you that you’re helping to mold this little mind. Although, it may appear easier to let the topic drift by, in my opinion, it is our jobs as parents to teach our children about real life and what they’ll experience when they leave the front door. It’s important for me to never miss a teachable moment. Someday I’m positive we’ll think about this time and although sad about who left us – we’ll grin and say remember when she said or did this…

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