Beyond the church walls
When she was young
It was methodical
Slow-motion
Routine
When she was young
The incense drifted
The choir sang
Everyone kneeled
When she was young
She stared at…
White robes
Painted ceilings
Color glass walls
She would ask for you
On scary nights
Behind confessionals
In between torn song books
And during the homily
She’d ask you
For purpose
For understanding
For healing
Who knew…
The little girl
who walked the
cobble stone streets
to get to her grandmother’s church
would find you
You in all of your glory
You with the quiet voice
You with perfect timing
As she got older…
She learned about
Your silences
Your miracles
Your being
You taught her
To look for you
In the stillness
You taught her
To see you
In everyday life
You taught her
To know you
In conversation
Today you
Don’t live behind walls
You live in the now
In the air
The sun
The rain
A building
Was not the purpose
The pews
Was not the understanding
The stage
Was not the healing
It really was about the conversation…
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
I think about this often. How did I get here? How did God find me when so many others around me have walked away from their Faith? It has not been an easy journey especially after fighting the relationship for so many years. So badly I wanted to be in control. It seemed easier to not believe. It just did not make sense to me. For so many years, my Faith or lack of Faith was about the motions. Jesus was a statue on a cross and we discussed him in Church. There was no sense of a relationship.
However, the question never left me. What is my purpose? Journals upon journals of mine ask this question. On the outside it was so clear. All of the titles from wife, to consultant, to friend, to dancer, to hiker, etc., but was this really my purpose. Was this really who I was? At night or in the middle of the ocean, I’d say there had to be more.
Yes, bringing positive change to the world was always my cliché, but what did this actually mean?
For me, it meant letting go. It meant not holding on so tight. It meant talking and praying. It really was this easy. There was no miracle solution except for the conversation.
For me, it meant change would occur in perfect timing. There has been so many signs of this lesson for me from when I broke off my first engagement, when I waited so long to adopt Ryley, and within my career. All of these things were about letting go at different times. It was about trust, the conversation, and believing.
In sincerity, the conversation has never been about the perfect answer to the perfect prayer. In this scenario, there is no Faith. It truly has been about seeking God and letting go like a balloon and seeing where God takes you. It is all about the conversation.