Hopefully you are ready to confront a topic which is not typical coffee talk, but with everything happening in the last decade and a personal experience which happened to me on Sept. 7th, it was a topic that continued to swirl in my mind. With the anniversary of 9/11 and my Aunt almost dying on my B-day, I was thrown into the front row seat of thinking about life and death.
My B-Day – a day of wanting to celebrate another year past, but this year also fearing the inevitable which was my Aunt’s kidneys failing, her heart going into arrest, and her breathing becoming more shallow. An Aunt who I played on her farm as a young child, learned how to cross-stitch, heard about family tales, and watched her Big personality vibrate on stage. Perhaps, you know the type – the person who befriends the microphone, who does not shy away from notoriety, and who asks to borrow your clothes. If you do, then you’ll know what I mean when I say my Aunt’s name and the word death were never in the same sentence. My Aunt might be described as kooky, opinionated, story-telling, vivacious, a life force, but never thought of her and death at the same time.
On most days, if I were honest about the last 15 years, tales with my Aunt, have remained hidden in a once upon a time part of my brain, but when it was evident it was the beginning to the end, I couldn’t help but relive all of the yesterdays. Unfortunately, I think most of us have this curse of not concentrating on what’s important until the end is in our front view mirror. Our days move forward with regular gusto of what needs to get done , but we forget the priorities of life. We forget what we’d wish on our own death beds. On a typical day, the thank you card can wait, I’ll call tomorrow, or I’ll see you soon. We take a lot of people and life circumstance for granted with the expectation there is a tomorrow.
The problem with tomorrow is if you plan tomorrow like you do today, then tomorrow will never change. The other problem with tomorrow is like all of the horrific stories you hear at the beginning of the news, tomorrow is never guaranteed. The only thing guaranteed is the yesterday you’ve already lived and the today you’re living.
So talking about today, it always baffles me why there are some people who can pack a lifetime into a day and others who throw today in the garbage like leftover take-out. Take Mattie Stepanek, the little boy poet and peace-maker. With MS seething through his muscles, nothing other than his heart, soul, and mind worked like it should, but it was his heart, soul, and mind that made a world of difference. At the age of 14 his body flew back to heaven, but in a short lifetime he had reached thousands maybe even millions of people with his heart-song words. Then you watch stories on either my 600 lb. life or hoarding and these people are stuck not only physically, but mentally. Due to something that happened in the past or present, they’ve created their own jail cell and life-time sentence.
We don’t want to admit to it, but I think many of us give ourselves life-time sentences with nagging, complaining, anger, mistrust, jealousy, scorn, retaliation, criticism, doubt, fear, depression, and other words and actions that don’t work in either our behalf or this world’s behalf. It makes me sad that guns are a way of life, bullying is rampant, majority of the world has given up on faith, suicide numbers continue to rise, obesity is an epidemic, and no one has anything nice to say anymore. We have role models who won’t stand to the anthem and planes crashing through buildings. At times we show unity like the ships who helped rescue people from the attack on Manhattan, but other times we build our own graves as our own citizens are plotting out new terrorist or school attacks. My question is when did we forget the sanctity of life? When did we all stop caring? When did life and death become only about words?
It is like the whole world needs to be put on anti-depressants to get up in the morning and to stay positive. We are wrapped in a sea of negativity. Instead of hearing children giggle at the bus stop, we complain about them waking us up. We’ve made life not about living, but what wrongs have happened. Why do you think this is?
Maybe it’s our inequities, our ignorance, our self-serving ways, or what the world has taught us. Unfortunately whatever it is – it continues to recycle. Every war, divorce, shooting, is about differences not similarities. Every wise person talks about grace, unity, peace, and togetherness instead of hate, lies, evil, and me-ness. When people point to heroes it’s people like Mother Teresa and the Dalai Lama they mention, so, why do we have such an issue realizing where to put our time, efforts, and emotions?
Why can’t life imitate the Human Family poem Maya Angelou wrote; which describes our differences, but highlights our oneness, sameness, and togetherness? I believe if we concentrated our lives more on what Mother Teresa taught which is to love more than to be loved, we would all live better lives. She use to say homelessness was not the worst evil, but loneliness of the heart. Unfortunately, since we’re all human we find ways to not love; which is truly our ticket to death. We find ways to compete, to judge, to hurt, and to complain instead of to glorify and honor. We all know each other’s hot buttons instead of each other’s heart song buttons. In retrospect, if we could all stand back for a second and appreciate instead of segregate, we’d live in a different world. People would be more alive both emotionally and physically. We’d believe in hope and a tomorrow. A good example is my marriage. When we are connecting, being intimate, liking each other, appreciating each other, saying nice things about each other, being considerate of each other, and not focusing on our differences or what we don’t like is when it works. When we get into our cycles of solely “me-ness” it becomes a “mess”without the n and the e. It is truly a huge “mess” and admit a part of me dies inside. During the messiest times of our marriage, all I want to do is wish life away, which is not my purpose or the purpose God made for my marriage. I believe everyday in our marriages, friendships, work relationships, and family – we have to re-commit to living our best lives, to prioritizing what’s important, and loving unconditionally.
As I conclude this blog on living and dying, I want us all to think about a few important truths in life. First, hope for living and not dying, can only occur when you believe in something bigger than yourself; which to me is my Faith. I know for a fact my life would be a “mess” without remembering God’s presence. In my life, he was the only one able to turn darkness and death-ness into life and hope. He is the only one who can help us see our same-ness and not our one-ness. Next, life is your first step prior to dying so make the most of it. Love big and love often. Feel gratitude even when there does not feel like much to be thankful for. There are thousands of children in hospital beds everyday who are thankful for one more breath, so, be thankful for one more breath, life’s craziness, and the chance to make the most of your day. Thirdly, don’t forget what is important. This is the hardest task because this is where most of us fail. We get stuck and remain stuck until we no longer have a choice whether to live or die. We hold onto unhealthy patterns and neglect those closest to us and what makes us tick. I truly believe the recipe to living is finding out what makes us tick, living out our God-given purpose, honoring those around us, appreciating God’s gifts, forgetting what poisons us, applauding our sameness, loving with all of our heart/soul/mind, and living our lives with eyes wide open. I am going to leave you with Maya Angelou’s poem about the Human Family to ponder about where you see life’s truths, oneness, and death’s separateness:
I note the obvious differences
in the human family.
Some of us are serious,
some thrive on comedy.
Some declare their lives are lived
as true profundity,
and others claim they really live
the real reality.
The variety of our skin tones
can confuse, bemuse, delight,
brown and pink and beige and purple,
tan and blue and white.
I’ve sailed upon the seven seas
and stopped in every land,
I’ve seen the wonders of the world
not yet one common man.
I know ten thousand women
called Jane and Mary Jane,
but I’ve not seen any two
who really were the same.
Mirror twins are different
although their features jibe,
and lovers think quite different thoughts
while lying side by side.
We love and lose in China,
we weep on England’s moors,
and laugh and moan in Guinea,
and thrive on Spanish shores.
We seek success in Finland,
are born and die in Maine.
In minor ways we differ,
in major we’re the same.
I note the obvious differences
between each sort and type,
but we are more alike, my friends,
than we are unalike.
We are more alike, my friends,
than we are unalike.
We are more alike, my friends,
than we are unalike.
