Hello Mothers Like Me,

The mothers who did not become mothers through the traditional sense. The mothers who have lived through the unexpected with your child meaning you are a step-parent, parent-like figure to a child, you’ve had a miscarriage, gained custody of a child and became the main care-taker, lost your child to illness… – do you ask the mom question. Late at night or early in the morning when you are by yourself, do you ask – am I a Mother or do I fit into the “Other” category?

The year I lost my daughter Hope I remember going to the mailbox and seeing a Mother’s Day card. At first, I stared at it for a moment and said – why did someone send me this card? Is this a cruel joke? However, when I opened the card and read the words the card said – Being a mother is not something given to you by birth…it is something you become the moment a child steals your heart  …Happy Mother’s Day! Disillusionment suddenly turned into a sense of warmth, surprise, and gratitude.

The card said what I could never express. I had hopes like every other mother, talked to my baby, ate meals with my baby, had nightmares of protecting her, shopped for her, prayed for her, had fears of raising her, and followed all of the pregnancy rules, so, why when she passed away in utero would I no longer be a mother?  Sure, I may have never had the opportunity to tuck my daughter in at night or teach her the ABCs like some mothers, but does this make me a make-believe mother? Who gets to define what it means to be a mother?

When the adoption finally happened, I remember again asking would Ryley ever wonder if I was her mother? Everyone around me says this is a ludicrous question, but from someone who has had the thought cross her mind on more than one occassion – it became a heart versus mind question. Reality says it’s a crazy question, but reality doesn’t always understand the heart. Sure, I would fulfill the mother role to the best of my ability by reading to Ryley at night, holding her when she’s sick, talking to her when she’s afraid, sitting with her to do homework, cheering her on at her next soccer game, enrolling her in school, etc. – but would she feel like I was her mother?

If like me you’re asking this question, my belief is you’ve grasped the mind part, but not yet grasped the heart or feeling part. Your heart is in denial, but eventually you rationalize the scenario. What you can’t do is understand the change, the unknown, or how society defines being  a mother. If you’ve suddenly lost a child, the dream of a child, or what you know to be your life has changed – you may be struggling with the void, the gaps, or the confusion. You don’t know what to do with an empty room, saying goodbye, a newly crowded house, etc. It is not the pretty picture we formed in our heads. Instead it’s messy, complicated, and unsettling. It’s not the role we wanted or hoped for. It doesn’t seem fair.

Honestly, the “unfair” prayer happens a lot in my life, but I don’t stay in this place for long because I remember stories such as the bible story of Ruth and Naomi who had a tragedy at the beginning, but they made lemons into lemonade. I am sure if you asked Ruth she would say Naomi was a mother to her even if they weren’t biologically mother and daughter. Their journey together was not expected, but they learned to handle the bumps in the road.

So when people have classified me into the “Other” category because I won’t ever see Hope graduate, get married, or tie her own shoes – I don’t allow this to define me. The moment Hope was alive in me I was a mother. I felt her. I became present for her. My heart became hers. Even then, I would have sacrificed my life for her, but did not have this option.  With the adoption, there was never a question to me whether or not I was Ryley’s mother. Again, she grabbed my heart with her first scream. With Ryley, God entrusts me to be her mother, so, the mom question doesn’t exist.  It is who I am. Again, my definition of being a mother is whether you are present and do the heart part well. For some children, a good mentor or some one who cares may be all they have. It may take time, but believe children know deep down who is their Mother.

For anyone suffering with what comes next, this is a more difficult question. There’s no bringing back a child or making a child be biologically yours, but you can still build your stories, your memories, and your heart. You are always a mother. Your role may have changed day in and day out, but never think the title changes. It is who we are and who we become. No matter how long a child is physically in our lives – it is a blessing to be a mother and a role we should never take for granted. It is part of our DNA.

So for all of the mothers who are like me – Thank You. Thank you for being present, taking the role seriously, and opening up your heart. Thank you for doing the role no matter what category people put you in. Thank you for being a mom even when it is tough. Thank you for loving a child whether the role lasted one breath or a lifetime of breaths.

We thank you and your child thanks you,

A Mother Like You